Not for the faint of heart, or anyone in a rush

This is one of those posts that is purely an indulgence. I am not looking for comments or reactions, but I needed to write this, and it is long.

Earlier this summer my best friend's mother passed away -- suddenly. While it was a no-brainer for me to drop things and be there for her and her family, it came at a personal cost. As I held her hand and hugged her, helped make phone calls and attended all the sad events that accompanied this tragedy, I was reliving my own mother's death minute by minute, partially because my own mother's death seems so recent, and also because I loved her Mom as a surrogate of sorts.

Each of us deals with life differently. No two deaths are alike, nor are our reactions. So as I watched my friend muttle through this and continue to see her depressed self make valiant efforts to move forward with daily activities, I kind of got caught up in her and her grief and helping in any way I could think of. My own grief resurfaced, but waited in the wings, as it had to do when my own mom first passed away.

I cannot remember the time after my Mom's death. I recall moments and major events, but nothing like day to day life. Upon discussing this with Ken, we realized that it was because I came back from my "burying" my mom to go back to work, face surgery of my own, and plan a wedding -- all within 2 months. Then life kind of took over... I blogged about my mom a few times, and it was painfully clear that I was sad and missing her. I do not think that I miss her more or less than anyone misses their mother when they go, but again, I think we all deal with it in our own ways.

To this day, I pull out all the love notes she sent me and left for me in hiding places to re-read them and smile. I love recalling wonderful childhood memories with her, and realizing now what an amazing job she did raising me. I can with clarity look back on her life, our life, and see where I lost my Mom to mental illness and where I just plain ol' lost my Mom.

People think of my relationship with her as acrimonius. And at times it was. We fought horribly and said mean and hurtful things to one another. She made intense and unrealistic demands on me and I continuously let her down, even on the small stuff and witheld my empathy in an attempt to separate myself from her. I was mean. But when it is all said and done, she was my Mom and I loved her more than I will ever be able to explain or maybe even understand, and I know she loved me.

I ache for her in a way that I cannot describe and wish in my truest of hearts that I could take away the pain that my friend is feeling. I wish that because I know the pain all too well. Maybe not the exact pain and in the exact way, but clos enough that I know I want to take it away from her. But then again, I wish I could take it away from myself.

Tuesday, Aug 19 will be two years ago that Leni K, my own personal Lulu Barlow, left this Earth. I take solace in the hope that she is in a better place and no longer in pain. That she is the Mom that I knew and loved and called my best friend, not because I had to, but because I really wanted to. I cannot tell you what I would give to have the phone ring and hear her voice on the other end or smell her perfume. I would gladly be late going somewhere so she could find just the right piece of jewelry to match the trim of her shirt or the right shade of lipstick. I would happily take a motherly check up call when I am not feeling my best.

As tomorrow approaches, the logical side of me notes that it is just another day and I should just move forward. But though it has been two years, it may as well have been yesterday. My heart phyiscally hurts and I just want to bring her back.

I am finally makign my way through her things and liquidating what I can in an attempt to just lessen the load so to speak. But as I do this, I cannot help but feel liKE I am liquidating parts of her. SO I am writing this tonight to tell her...

MOM, I LOVE YOU. I ALWAYS DID AND I ALWAYS WILL. I AM NOT GETTING RID OF YOU BY GETTING RID OF THESE THINGS, AS THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE, THINGS. THEY ARE NOT YOUR LOVE, YOUR HEART, YOUR COMPASSION. THEY DO NOT HAVE YOUR WISDOM OR YOUR CARE AND THEY DO NOT COMFORT ME WHEN I WANT MY MOMMY. THEY DO NOT HAVE YOUR TOUCH, YOUR SMELL OR YOUR LOVE. THEY ARE NOTHING COMAPRED TO MEMORIES AND LOVE I HOLD FROM YOU IN MY HEART.

THORNDYKE AND ROSEBUD ARE DOING FINE AND HAVE BECOME A PART OF OUR FAMILY. KEN IS AMAZING AND CONTINUES TO TAKE SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME AND LOVE ME THE WAY YOU WANTED ME TO BE LOVED. IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END, AFTERALL, DOESN'T IT? I JUST WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SEE IT ALL, IN LIVING COLOR.

I LOVE YOU, TO THE MOON AND BACK.

Back...

As my Blog title will tell you, I am an Overthinker. Thus, I have been struggling for weeks, nearly months, trying to figure out what to talk about. There are so many things and yet not so much. Ok, that is a lie, there ARE so many htings. There is a lot going on in my life (our life) and I have made quite a few observations about our world that are worthy of sharing btu I just could not figure out where to start.

We saw my family back in June for my cousin's wedding reception. It was lovely. Great to see everyone and spend the time with my Dad. But the thing that tripped me up on that trip was that I mentioned to my cousins (T&J)that both Ken and I had blogs. They were both very surprised; but not in an oh-that's-cool-way. More like a what-on-Earth-do-you-have-to-say-worth-blogging way. While I think they are the cat's meow and definitely fit in to the cool kids bracket, I think they are so much in that bracket that they do not realize that there are a lot of us out here who blog about "stuff". While my blog is not a one trick pony that focuses on one thing, it is definitly a blog that gets me thinking, and frankly, if it gets me thinking, then that should be enough.

So here it is. I am back in the blogging world. I will be back with a fervor because there really is a lot to talk about -- to you, or no one. But it is stuff worth putting out there. Ya never know. I think this will be the start of a new era... I may actually find a direction and stick with it. Whoa! Scary huh?

Topics to look forward to in the coming days: Harmony Kingdom Colletibles, Collectibles in general, Selling stuff on eBay, religion shopping, Temple Sermon, Church baptism, The Passing of one's mother, what it means to be friends, family of every kind, societal lables, gas prices, politics in general... see the list goes on.

Tune back in for something worth reading -- because I think it is worth writing.

Maybe I will send T&J invites to my blog.

Two-Parter

Q: What is your first holiday/Christmas memory and what was your favorite thing about childhood holiday/Christmas celebrations?

A: My first holiday memory comes from when I was probably 4 or 5. I remember there being a TON of presents under the tree, as well as the menorah. We had a tree, and I remember opening packages with ornaments and hanging them on the lower branches. My favorite present that year, the one I most remember was a giant Barbie head. It was just the head and she came with make up and all sorts of hair stuff so you could make her all pretty. (Later, I took scissors to that Barbie head -- oops!)

My favorite part of the holidays as a kid was getting to see my cousins. I did not see them very often, especially from my Dad's side of the family, so it was always an adventure to open all the Hanukkah gifts from my aunts and uncles and then sit and compare with the other kids. Add to that that we always took a family picture -- all of us in one shot, and Aunt Wini's potato latkes were the BEST! We would then celebrate with my Mom's side of the family. Those memories are few and far between, but I remember enjoying the fact that everyone came to our house. We played in the family room while the adults all hung out in the formal living room. It was just a happy time for me as a kid, and I think to this day it still is.

The holidays are the only time of year that I can give to others and get no real argument. I enjoy giving of myself and sharing gifts with my friends and family -- but often I get the stink eye. This is the time of year that I get to have fun, shop and do nice things for other people, with no one really having any reason to give me grief. Yay!

To sum it up, I guess my favorite part of the holidays as a kid was the general camaraderie it invited, and the same holds true for today.