Thinking in overdrive -- long post

With all the changes I am making to my life in general; eating healthy, exercising, cleaning out stuff, etc., I am overcome with some recurring thoughts that have me nearly paralyzed.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I have had several thoughts and ideas , ranging from opening a store to free-lance writing to being a diabetic educator. But with time, each of these ideas has wavered or something else has perked my interest. I have been told that I would be a great party [planner, so that is a thought as well. All I know is that i want to feel successful. I want to be the go-to girl for something. You know what I mean?

How is my health and my history going to effect our options for children. I am not sure I have shared it yet, but we were told that due to my health, my carrying a child and delivering could prove fatal -- to me and the baby. As a result we have decided to adopt. But I know that here is serious background checking that goes on, from health to credit history. I lay awake at night sometimes wondering if my health alone would be reason enough for someone to not allow us to adopt a baby that I know we would love so much. I guess time will tell on that one.

Is this new found love of healthy living just a phase? Did I get excited at first and will I just let it all wilt away like I have so many other things I am so gung ho about? Part of it is fear of failure, but some of it is fear of success I think. My health is not a part time gig, nor is it something that is going to miraculously repair itself. I have lived with lupus for 24 years with no infinite restrictions, but diabetes is a whole new thing. I do not to have it ravage me like I have seen it do to others before, but is this a vigilant fight I will always have to fight? I imagine I will grow tired at some point.

My Dad is not doing well. There is nothing wrong per-sey, he is relatively healthy, aside from some chronic issues, and he is leading a very independent life. But I worry about him. Just as I worried about my Mom, I think that Dad is lonely sometimes. It makes me sad that there is nothing I can do. My sister and I are the only two members of the big K family that live out of the area, so Dad does not get to have as much family time as his brothers have with their kids. I worry about his work, his lack of preparation for retirement and his very strong work ethic and sense of pride. He rarely lets me in and would balk if I offered to help. So I sit by and tel him I love him and visit when I can.

Finally, is there an afterlife, and if there is, can my Mom see everything I am doing? Would she approve? Would she agree with the decisions I have made? I don't need her approval, I know, but she was such an imperative part of my life that it feels weird to be doing so much and not getting her opinions. IN fact, I had a dream about her the other day in which she weighed in on all of it. The only thing she did not like was my hair. Otherwise all was well. I wonder if I willed this dream because I miss her so much, or if it was possibly her way of letting me know what is the down low. Hmmm .

These are the things that keep me up at night and keep my gears burning on all cylinders -- overthinking.