With all the changes I am making to my life in general; eating healthy, exercising, cleaning out stuff, etc., I am overcome with some recurring thoughts that have me nearly paralyzed.
What do I want to be when I grow up? I have had several thoughts and ideas , ranging from opening a store to free-lance writing to being a diabetic educator. But with time, each of these ideas has wavered or something else has perked my interest. I have been told that I would be a great party [planner, so that is a thought as well. All I know is that i want to feel successful. I want to be the go-to girl for something. You know what I mean?
How is my health and my history going to effect our options for children. I am not sure I have shared it yet, but we were told that due to my health, my carrying a child and delivering could prove fatal -- to me and the baby. As a result we have decided to adopt. But I know that here is serious background checking that goes on, from health to credit history. I lay awake at night sometimes wondering if my health alone would be reason enough for someone to not allow us to adopt a baby that I know we would love so much. I guess time will tell on that one.
Is this new found love of healthy living just a phase? Did I get excited at first and will I just let it all wilt away like I have so many other things I am so gung ho about? Part of it is fear of failure, but some of it is fear of success I think. My health is not a part time gig, nor is it something that is going to miraculously repair itself. I have lived with lupus for 24 years with no infinite restrictions, but diabetes is a whole new thing. I do not to have it ravage me like I have seen it do to others before, but is this a vigilant fight I will always have to fight? I imagine I will grow tired at some point.
My Dad is not doing well. There is nothing wrong per-sey, he is relatively healthy, aside from some chronic issues, and he is leading a very independent life. But I worry about him. Just as I worried about my Mom, I think that Dad is lonely sometimes. It makes me sad that there is nothing I can do. My sister and I are the only two members of the big K family that live out of the area, so Dad does not get to have as much family time as his brothers have with their kids. I worry about his work, his lack of preparation for retirement and his very strong work ethic and sense of pride. He rarely lets me in and would balk if I offered to help. So I sit by and tel him I love him and visit when I can.
Finally, is there an afterlife, and if there is, can my Mom see everything I am doing? Would she approve? Would she agree with the decisions I have made? I don't need her approval, I know, but she was such an imperative part of my life that it feels weird to be doing so much and not getting her opinions. IN fact, I had a dream about her the other day in which she weighed in on all of it. The only thing she did not like was my hair. Otherwise all was well. I wonder if I willed this dream because I miss her so much, or if it was possibly her way of letting me know what is the down low. Hmmm .
These are the things that keep me up at night and keep my gears burning on all cylinders -- overthinking.
6 comments:
I know that whatever you decide to be when you grow up, you will master it. Without a doubt.
I'd like to think there is an afterlife - and your Mom is definitely one personality who'd find a way to sneak into your dreams and give you the low-down. :) I am positive she is beaming with pride, wherever she is spending her time doing her favorite things. You have grown so.darn.much in the last few years!!
You are so wonderful! Your mom would not be more proud of the person you are!! What ever you do I know you will be awesome! Love you!! Jennifer
I think Lora is right, no matter what you decide to do you will be a great success because that is who you are.
It is a shame that overthinking doesn't burn any extra calories :) I would be really skinny then... heheheheh
First, I just want to say that you are so lucky to have the freedom right now to re-evaluate your life and choose what you want to be for the rest of it. I think so many of us lose sight of ourselves in the hustle of life... it's nice that you get to pause and realize the person you are outside of the limitations of a field your in because life chose it for you. What an opportunity!
Second, good living is addictive. I think you'll get beyond the "phase" thinking into the "lifetime" thinking before too long. Stop looking at it as a battle. It's not. It's just another choice you make in life... I choose that pear instead of that ice cream. Sometimes the choice will be a bad one but the goal is really just to try to make most of them be good ones. You know? Relax... enjoy the ride.
Third, your mom knows you should be seeing David. We all know this. Just stop resisting. We that see David are like the Borg. We will assimilate you. It's useless to try to resist the draw that is the awesome hair styling skills of David Brady. *winks*
You're fabulous, by the way.
I meant "you're" not "your".
Sorry. It was bugging me and I needed to fix it.
Whatever you decide to do you will be fabulous. The best part is you can take the time to really find something that touches your soul and that you enjoy doing making it part of your life instead of just a job.
I think it is natural to start to worry about your parents when you reach a certain age. I know I worry whenever I hear things that they would like to sweep under the rug and tell me are nothing but that I constantly ponder and wonder what is to come.
I believe there is an afterlife and those that love us watch over us and keep in touch in their way. Your mom visiting you in your dreams is her way to connect with you and that is lovely. I am sure she is so proud of you and the wonderful woman and wife you have become.
Post a Comment