I remarked to Ken on our way home from Los Angeles last week that nothing will be the same... "No, no it will not," he agreed.
My mother has passed away, of this we can be sure. But I had no real grasp on all that would change as a result.
I know there will be no more daily phone calls to accompany me on my drive home from work.
I know she will not be there on the day I get married -- not even to pull up my zipper, fluff my veil and tell me how lovely I look.
I know that I will have to figure out how to make the Thanksgiving Turkey this year.
I know that Mother's day will never be the same again, nor will any of the special days.
What I did not know was how the slightest sound, incident or interaction would remind me of her in ways that are inescapable.
I did not know how much havoc inheriting 2 sweet, adorable and loving dogs would wreak.
I did not know how much my mother is ingrained in every fiber of who I am.
We talked daily. Not always because I wanted to, but because it was what we did. Now I ache for the sound of her voice. I hear the phone ring and I check caller ID to see if it is her. I hear all the times she told me to be nicer or more patient with her, as "I will not be around forever."
Ken came into the room the other night and announced, "Mom called." Without skipping a beat, I replied, "Which one?" I know this is the start of what I have been told will be a difficult year. I just wish that my Mommy as around to make it seem not quite as bad (Mommies can do that ya know?).
I do not mean to depress or annoy anyone with these posts, but I somehow feel that if I can purge it, someone will get to know who she was and maybe, just maybe, I will not hurt so much inside. Thanks for your patience.
4 comments:
Amy, please do not ever think you are depressing or annoying anyone with these posts. They are beautiful and heart-filled and necessary. Anyone who thinks otherwise will receive a shift kick in the ass from moi.
Thank you for reminding me that I should take more time to appreciate loved ones. You have stated so eloquently how things can change so quickly and life can be forever altered in an instant. Your mother would be so proud and will always be with you, you help carry her memory, her incredible SELF, on inside you.
I know it is an old saying, but it does get a little easier with time. There will always be things that will remind you of her and eventually they will bring a smile to your face instead of the incredible loss and sadness you are feeling right now.
I actually believe your Mommy is around and actually a little closer.
Writing about it helps. Having supportive people around you helps even more.
There are many great memories that will help carry you through your grief.
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